Crises of Faith

I think I have to haver a crisis of faith about...oh, every three weeks or so.  I manage to re-steel myself and then after a while, I get all uncertain again.

At this point, we are less than a week out from packers arriving to, well, pack.  And I feel like even now my life and my home are both in a state of total chaos.  Well, really more my home.  Cause my life has sort of settled down for a bit.  The kids are out of school, the shows have sort of stopped churning for a brief moment.  I have a half marathon in a few weeks that I'm not trained for but really...I'm not spending much effort on worrying about that.

It always comes down to the stuff.  And the fact that I'm overwhelmed by it pretty much at every turn.  And I feel like I haven't accomplished anything much the past couple of days.  And pausing to write a blog entry doesn't really fix that.

My dear son points out "Well, at least you've had a chance to rest."  But the problem is, I don't think I actually have any rest coming to me while there is still so much to do.

Well, truth be told, I painted a painting and a half today (for a charity auction) and gave friends remote instructions for improving their paintings (for same auction) by remote text, pet-sitting duties for two cats in two separate locations and dropped off a couple of things at the new house.  It is not that I've not accomplished anything, it is that it does not feel like enough.

Earlier today Andrew was saying that it has been insanity since we got back from Weque.  At the beginning of August.  Really, It was kind of insane in Weque, too.  It has been insanity for pretty much this whole year.  Every time we think things will settle down and we can get a grip, something crazy happens or we hatch another insane plan on a ridiculous timeline.

I am also having some second thoughts about the neighborhood.  It's really different from Eagan, in some good ways, but ours is the biggest, craziest house in the neighborhood by a wide margin, and I am not sure how great I ultimately feel about leaving the kids on their own there, especially at night.

It's not good to feel, just...like no matter how hard I have pushed and pushed, we're not ready.  I'm not ready.  And then to feel like I'm not convinced it's a great idea or the right house after all, even though, well, we have it and we're going ahead with it.  I feel like we stopped looking because the house has a workshop (great but unheated, it turns out) and is big enough for all the kids and...and we did not have time to keep on looking for something else in a different location, etc.  Maybe I'm mis-remembering.   I don't know what the resolution is for any of this except to persevere.  And keep on moving through the hours.  I'm afraid there is little alternative.